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Gemma Ryall

You say
your door
is never closed 
so in I walk
and in I talk 
and in you place
me in the light 
oh how it blinds 
me in my plight
and so I turn 
and try again
I try 
And try 
And try again 
But every door 
Reminds me that 
I am a pain 
I am a bane 
On all your lives 
On all your games
But still I walk 
And no thing I gain.
I turn to yours 
You give me books 
You give me laws
I feel as though 
I am not there 
I feel as though
You do not care
Why won’t you look
Up from your mask 
Of all the books 
Of all the tasks 
And ask me what 
Its really like?
You think you know
but I am here 
to tell you all 
you need to hear 
I am the book 
I am the writing 
So take me to 
Some better lighting 
There’s fear in my eyes 
when my friends do not care
and hurt when my family 
say I am too much to bear 
yet you
oh you
how you cannot see
why it is that I 
do not want therapy
when I don’t want to be ill
How about that for an answer
I don’t want to take pills 
I do not want to be a dancer
For all your charades
Your anecdotal tales
Or your promenades
Or a trick to unveil
I do not want to avoid 
The things that cause pain 
Because I want to be 
Like others who live in vain 
I do not want to see a therapist
I do not want CBT
I do not want to be the one 
with a fucked-up mind 
like those people on TV
but you put me in your library 
and you force me to read 
when all that I want
is to let me just bleed
and in all of your eyes 
and in all of your doors 
You think that you see 
You think I am yours 
Your pain 
Your suffering 
Your day to day stress
But I am nothing the same 
Not even undressed  
Because my blood runs blue
It is different to yours 
My tears scar red
And my mind has no laws 
There is a distance between 
Me and any other soul 
One thick like green jelly 
And one white like a doll  
​And I am back in my childhood
Forever alone
reliving the pain
And knowing it was from this 
That I came 
But have you considered how I feel?
Have you thought about me at all?
I tell you I am broken
And to this you enthral
When you built me a library 
And you built me a home 
But in it stands me 
And I am all alone 

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