Doors
Gemma Ryall
You say
your door
is never closed
so in I walk
and in I talk
and in you place
me in the light
oh how it blinds
me in my plight
and so I turn
and try again
I try
And try
And try again
But every door
Reminds me that
I am a pain
I am a bane
On all your lives
On all your games
But still I walk
And no thing I gain.
Hurt
abused
I turn to yours
You give me books
You give me laws
I feel as though
I am not there
I feel as though
You do not care
Why won’t you look
Up from your mask
Of all the books
Of all the tasks
And ask me what
Its really like?
You think you know
but I am here
to tell you all
you need to hear
I am the book
I am the writing
So take me to
Some better lighting
There’s fear in my eyes
when my friends do not care
and hurt when my family
say I am too much to bear
yet you
oh you
how you cannot see
why it is that I
do not want therapy
when I don’t want to be ill
How about that for an answer
I don’t want to take pills
I do not want to be a dancer
For all your charades
Your anecdotal tales
Or your promenades
Or a trick to unveil
I do not want to avoid
The things that cause pain
Because I want to be
Like others who live in vain
I do not want to see a therapist
I do not want CBT
I do not want to be the one
with a fucked-up mind
like those people on TV
but you put me in your library
and you force me to read
when all that I want
is to let me just bleed
and in all of your eyes
and in all of your doors
You think that you see
You think I am yours
Your pain
Your suffering
Your day to day stress
But I am nothing the same
Not even undressed
Because my blood runs blue
It is different to yours
My tears scar red
And my mind has no laws
There is a distance between
Me and any other soul
One thick like green jelly
And one white like a doll
And I am back in my childhood
Forever alone
reliving the pain
And knowing it was from this
That I came
But have you considered how I feel?
Have you thought about me at all?
I tell you I am broken
And to this you enthral
When you built me a library
And you built me a home
But in it stands me
And I am all alone